Forewarning, this is probably going to be a very disjointed post, because I myself...am also feeling very disjointed. I usually try to approach these posts with at least a little bit of structure, but oh boy howdy is that going out the window with this post. This is going to be a vapid stream of conscious word vomit unlike anything you've ever seen before.
So strap in, buckle up, and enjoy the ride?
I'm the most lost I've ever been in my life. I really am. I've always generally known what direction I wanted to go, and I had a somewhat concrete game plan of how I was going to get there. In the end...I usually did end up getting there. It often took longer than I planned, but having a set in stone route that I knew I could take to get where I wanted to be eventually always helped me get to that end destination.
Right now...I don't even know what that end destination is...none the less how to get there. The reason I didn't write this post yesterday is because I basically spent all day in bed. I didn't spend all day in bed because I was tired, or lazy, or because I wanted to avoid doing anything. I stayed in bed because I felt sad. That's the under exageration of the century, but it's the best way I can think to describe it.
Yesterday...I genuinely felt like there wasn't any joy left. I felt like it was just something that I would never find again. I almost didn't stream. I started my stream 45 minutes late because it really took me that long to get out of bed. The stream made me feel a little bit better, but it was a temporary thing. It was like when you go to a really cool place that you like to be, that fills you with seratonin, makes you happy, and then the second you leave it all drains out of your body like it's being sucked out by a Dementor.
That loveable, goofy, dingus of a man HalfMetalFox (https://twitch.tv/halfmetalfox) raided me again while I was streaming. It's almost like he has a sixth sense for when I really need it. From reading my blog you would probably think that he raids me every stream. He doesn't. He's just a magical man that somehow knows when I need it the most.
What Next For Joe?
Pardon my French, but fuck if I know. I've spent the past 13 years as a Software Engineer. The once clear and steady road that was in front of me to retirement was to be a Software Engineer for the rest of my working career. Now it more seems like that road has potholes, is falling apart, has been flooded, and is probably being attacked by Godzilla. I don't know. It's just not as, "Hey this is what you need to do with your life!" as it used to be.
When I first got out of college I kind of had to make a decision between becoming a Brewer or becoming a Software Engineer. Well, life kind of went..."Hahahahaha, you dumbass! You get neither right now!" I couldn't get any Software Engineering roles because I didn't have enough experience, and I couldn't get any Brewer roles because they wanted someone with a Brewing Sciences Degree. I also wasn't about to go back through college to get a Brewing Sciences degree...not that my father would have let me after he'd dropped a shit ton of money for me to be able to get a Computer Science Degree.
Yes, I understand that I'm incredibly priviledged in terms of having parents that were capable of paying for my College Education.
I know I've been all over the place with this post. I did warn you that this was going to happen though. So now I'm in a situation where realistically I have 3 paths. Well, I don't really have 3 paths. I have 3 end points and I'm kind of floating in the abyss without really any clear vision on how to get from where I am...to where I'd like to be.
Path 1 - Continue being a Software Engineer. This is the least paletable, but makes the most sense. It makes the most money. Is the most stable. It would be the best choice for me to be able to support my family.
That being said...I have no f*&$ing clue how to get a Software Engineering role any more. I really don't. I've applied to hundreds if not thousands of roles and I've managed to get 2 interviews. 2!!! When I was interviewing for the role that I most recently got fired from...I had recruiters basically knocking my door down. I've recently reached back out to those recruiters, because sometimes nepotism can be good. They didn't have anything for me.
It's 100% obvious that I'm not the only person in this situation as well. I made a post last week on Threads about how I had swallowed my pride and applied for a Mid-Level Software Engineer Role. I want to put emphasis on Mid-Level. The post was about how the very next day I had received an email saying that I was being passed up on even getting an interview...for a level of role that I had passed up like 8 years ago.
That post blew up. Since then I've had so many people reply to that post talking about how they understand, and how they're in the exact same boat that I am. It wasn't even limited to Software Engineering. The whole job market across all industries seems to be pretty royally f*$@ed. (I don't know why I'm censoring that. This isn't necessarily a family friendly blog.)
Path 2 - Find a way to get into the Craft Beer Brewing Industry...hopefully as a Brewer. This path is even more unknown and unclear to me than the path to get a Software Engineering role. At least AI isn't capable of making beer...yet.
What I do know is that I would make a crap ton less money in Brewing than I would in Software Engineering. That's no joke. Best Brewer pay I've seen is like a quarter to a third of what I was making as a Software Engineer. To be fair though...any amount of pay is more than what I'm making right now...which is nothing.
I've applied to much fewer Brewer roles than I have Software Engineer roles at this point. I honestly didn't really even think about starting to explore Brewer Roles until recently. I just really had that conclusion that if I'm not going to be able to find a Software Engineering role that maybe it's time for a career change. I don't know if it's time for it or not, but it seemed like something that I should at least consider.
I haven't heard anything from the roles that I applied to. I honestly don't know if they even saw my application. I don't know if they saw it and immediately went, "hahahaha...no." One problem I have right now is that my entire Resume is catered to being a Software Engineer. I know the imediate thought is probably, "Well shit Joe! You should make a Resume catered to your Brewing experience." Hah! I don't really have any. My only professional experience brewing was through the 2 Craft Breweries that I have owned. I DID make sure to highlight that in my Cover Letter though.
So hopefully they're actually reading my Cover Letter as well as looking at my resume. Hopefully. I really have 0 clue what my chances are of getting a Brewer role at this point though. I know I could do it. I'm good at creating recipes. I'm adept at brewing beer. I don't really care that I would make less money...as long as it would be enough to support my family. I just want to perform a role that will make me happy.
It seems to be so much harder to be happy these days.
Path 3 - This is the least likely of all of the paths, but the path that I want to happen the most. I want to be able to support myself being a full time content creator/streamer. It's what I enjoy doing the most. I find happiness in streaming. Streaming has managed to get me out of some of my lowest of lows in the past year.
I don't make any money streaming though. Like...none. Twitch doesn't pay you until you have at least $50 of revenue, and it usually takes me a few months to accrue that amount to actually get a payout. That obviously wouldn't even be enough to feed myself. None the less would it be enough for me to be able to feed my family.
To some degree I have a better vision of what needs to be done to be able to build a career doing this than I do with the other 2 paths. I can almost see the path. The path just happens to go straight up a cliff face. Unlike the other 2 paths where all I can do is apply for jobs and hope...I actually somewhat have control over my own destiny in terms of trying to become a full time content creator.
Somewhat
First of all I'm never going to become a content creator by living off the generosity of others. That's a bridge that can go out on you at any moment. I need to build up a following, a community, and get to the point that I can get brand deals and sponsorships. That's part of the reason I'm doing this blog. It's impossible to build up reach inside Twitch itself so I'm creating this website and blog as a way to hopefully try to expand my reach, my community, awareness of who I am as a streamer...and I don't know...maybe sell some merch.
Please buy my merch if you can.
Max Incoherence
So here we are. This post has reached max incoherence and has been over the river, through the mountain, down the steps, across the bridge, to Grandmas booze barn, and back again a few times. I don't know what I'm doing any more. I feel the most lost I've ever felt in my life. It feels like everything is useless.
It feels like everything I try...is useless. I'm trying to work through it mentally. I'm trying to get beyond wanting to spend all day in bed. It's really freaking tough though. Yesterday I just wanted to cry. Don't come at me toxic masculinity bros. I'm not in the mood and I won't fucking stand for it (probably going to be another post at some point). Everything yesterday...made me want to cry.
I feel like a broken shell of a human that had not too far off experienced the greatest high of his career and the happiest he's ever been in his life...to crash down to whatever the f%^$ this is right now.
I'm not giving up though. My family keeps me from giving up. My friends keep me from giving up. I'm writing this post...because I'm not giving up.
Every step needs to start with just getting out of bed. Then we can find out where to go from there.
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